Ransom of Duo Maxwell
by Lady Douji
Summary: Duo gets kidnapped by some very foolish kidnappers


Hi, this is a fic written by me and Madame Blue, and was based off a story I read long ago called Ransom of Little Red Chief by O'Henry.Warnings, extreme silliness and OOC behavior. Disclaimers: We don't on the the Gboys, they are owned by Bandai and Sunrise, also this fic was not endorsed by Starbucks. We also recommend that you don't drink anything while reading this, we've had complaints of nose cola. And now on to the fic.

Ransom of Duo Maxwell   
by Lady Douji and Madame Blue

Heero looked up from his laptop as Trowa and Quatre walked into their current safe house. Quatre was leaning on Trowa and looked very upset. Heero remembered that Duo, Trowa, and Quatre had gone for supplies and lunch, but now only two pilots returned.

"Where's Duo?" He asked as Trowa levered Quatre into a chair.

"He was kidnapped." Quatre answered looking at Heero, worry etched across his features, "We were coming out of Starbucks when several men pushed all of us into a van. Duo was giving them such a hard time, yelling and kicking, that they didn't notice Trowa and me slipping out the back door, but we couldn't get Duo out as well." At this Quatre looked down " I think they were after me. I heard one of them mention getting back at the Winners, so it anything happens to Duo it'll be all my fault"

Heero frowned thoughtfully as he watched Trowa try to comfort the distraught pilot. He couldn't help thinking to himself, Duo's a trained terrorist, but he lets himself get kidnapped? What's missing from this picture?

"What did Duo have at Starbucks?" he asked finally.

Trowa answered him this time, "Some odd concoction. If I remember correctly it was a Grande cafe latte with double shot espresso, double shot chocolate, double shot raspberry, and single shot vanilla."

Heero's eyes widened a bit, but quickly composed himself. He murmured "So now we wait for the kidnappers to call." and turned back to his laptop.

Meanwhile, back at the kidnappers' safe house:

Four men struggled to carry one bound and wiggling teenager inside. This was complicated because every time they managed to get a decent grip, the teenager would jerk his head and manage to whap one of them in the face with his braid. Then one enterprising man, with extremely bushy hair, grabbed the offensive braid and held it tight, ignoring how he pulled at the teenager's scalp.

Finally getting inside, their black-clad burden was promptly dropped in a corner.

Kidnapper #1, "Now just calm down and keep quiet Miss. Winner, I. . ."

Indignant squawks cut him off. "Miss?! MISS??!!!! Listen jerk, first off I'm a boy, and my name's not Winner, it's Duo, Duo Maxwell, mrmpfff"

Kidnapper #2 hand shot out cutting off the torrent of angry words, "He's not a Winner's brat, do you think they'll still pay?

Kidnapper #3, "Well he seems to be friends with the Winner heir, so we can still probably get something for him."

Kidnapper #4, "Those other two have had enough time to confirm we have him by now."

"Mumf! Muh mum, mufum humhuf!" Duo was less than pleased, and having a strangers' sweaty palm slapped over his mouth was not improving the situation. Drawing back his lips in a snarl, he did the only thing he could think of...

K#2, "Yeow!!! He bit me!! I can't believe he bit me!" Clutching his hand to his chest, the man ran across the room to the kitchen, running water over the wound.

"You're making a BIG mistake, man! You do NOT want to ransom me, ok? I've got friends, man, and you do NOT want to get them mad! And if you think just any Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis can get murumf muh. . . "

Walking away from the trussed up and now gagged boy, the kidnappers gathered around an old card table.

As soon as the men had their backs turned, Duo started untying himself. It took him a bit longer than his usual 10 seconds because his hands had started shaking. Glaring at their backs, his plans of escape slowly twisted into thoughts of revenge. One of them had pulled his hair and they were -all- going to pay!

His lips curled into a devilish grin.

The sugar rush had hit.

Picking up the phone, one man paused to ask, "Since he's not a Winner, do we still call the same number?"

"You could always ask me."

Four heads turned in unison at that laughing voice. Standing behind them, hands on his hips and his violet eyes sparkling a bit too bright, was Duo. The rope and gag lay at his feet.

Rushing forward, they grabbed the hyper boy and re-tied him with a bowline knot. They turned back to the phone.

"You can do better than that!"

Next they trussed him up with a blackwall knot.

"Nope!"

A fisherman's knot...

"Puhleeze!"

A surgeon's knot...

"Use your imaginations people!"

They even tried a figure eight...

"You've never done this before, have you?"

Finally exasperated, they locked him up in one of the rear rooms. It didn't have any windows, so they figured he'd be stuck in there a while. Turning back to the phone, they dialed the number Duo'd given them and waited for it to ring.

They didn't have to wait long before a harsh, nasal voice picked up. "Yes"

The recently dubbed 'Francis' spoke quickly, "We have your friend Duo. If you want him back you'll pay 5 million dollars in 50-dollar bills. We'll call back in an hour for your answer"

'Harry' smirked, "So know we wait and see how much the Winner heir values his friends"

Meanwhile, Duo was exploring his prison. He guessed it had belonged to some girl with paranoid parents. Why else would a room with no windows and that locked on the outside be filled with stuffed animals and covered with boy band posters? Looking for something to entertain himself and annoy his captors with, he found a tennis racket, some tennis balls, and several cans of silly string. Pulling out a lighter the kidnappers had missed when they searched him, a wicked grin spread across his face.

The four kidnappers were sitting anxiously around the kitchen table when they began hearing an odd noise coming from the back of the house

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

Four confused heads looked up at each other

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Dick' asked, "What the hell could he be doing?"

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Tom' shook his head, "I don't know, but just ignore him. He'll tire himself out and quiet down.

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

Thirty minutes later:

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

'Tom' groaned, "I was wrong. He's not tiring, and he's giving me a headache."

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Francis' nodded, "Same here. Let's go quiet him down."

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

With that 'Tom' and 'Francis' got out of their chairs and marched through the halls to the rear room where they had stored their prisoner.

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

Duo heard the click of the lock as his kidnappers prepared to enter his prison. His maniacal grin grew even wider as the door cracked open.

"What're you. OWWWW!!!!!"

'Tom' 's words were cut off as a tennis ball slammed full force into his nose, spraying two streams of blood into the air. 'Francis' instinctively went to help his comrade and got beaned in the temple by another ball. They both fell dazed to the floor. Grabbing his lighter and a can of silly string, Duo sailed over the two prone bodies of the kidnappers. Dashing down the hall, he knocked over a table with a large, expensive looking vase, intent on causing as much damage as he could.

Hearing the cries of the two fallen kidnappers, and hearing the crash of the vase, 'Dick' and 'Harry' figured out that their prisoner had somehow managed to escape and moved quickly to recapture him. Unfortunately for 'Harry', Duo found him first.

Duo turned the corner, spied a bushy mane of hair, and saw red. He remembered that man pulling on his braid.

"YOU PULLED MY BRAID!!!" he yelled, whipping out his lighter and the can of silly string. "YOU WILL PAY!!!!" He lit the lighter and sent a stream of day glow string through the small flame. The silly string burned in a long arc straight into 'Harry' 's hair, setting it off like a flame-thrower on a dry haystack.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY HAIR!!! MY HAIR!!!!" 'Harry' screeched as he went screaming down the hall in search of water. Leaving Duo to roam about at will.

Moving quickly, Duo found himself in the kitchen. Trying to figure out what kind of mayhem he could create in here, he noticed a huge bottle of Tylenol on a shelf. "You know, a tennis ball to the head has GOT to hurt. Awww, I just bet you'll want something for the pain! Tough!" With that, Duo poured the entire bottle of pills down the disposal.

One of the goons yelled "He's in the kitchen!" but Duo was ready. If one of them even tried to get into the kitchen, they'd get beaned with dinner wear.

"NO crash ONE crash TOUCHES crash MY crash HAIR!!! crash

First the plates, which Duo flung like frisbees, shattered to the carpet. Next came bowls, then cups and mugs. "I don't know why they call it Wedgwood. Look at that wall, the wood's not wedged at all!"

Laughing at his (very) bad joke, Duo caught himself in a yawn. "Uh oh, don't want my sugar high to crash just yet! What have they got in the fridge?" Keeping the kidnappers away with a barrage of breakable items (he'd since ran out of dishware and had moved on to glass bottles of beer, they were harder to shatter when he threw them but he still managed), Duo looked in the near empty freezer. "OH! Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream!"

The other pilots refused to let him have it at home anymore, especially after the last time, (though he had apologized to Trowa as soon as they'd been able to coax the traumatized HeavyArms pilot back out of his room.) Gobbling down the treat, the mostly full container was soon empty.

Humming to himself under his breath, Duo had to admit, "There's a reason the guys don't let me in the kitchen."

For his next trick, Duo placed the now empty Tylenol bottle back on its shelf. Then he filled a large mixing bowl with flour. Adding enough water to make a goopy, sticky mess, he laid the lid on top of the bowl without snapping it down and angled it juuuust so on the top shelf of the Tylenol's cabinet. The lid would keep the goop from oozing, but when the cabinet door was opened, the lid would fall, and so would his mixture.

He thought about playing with the chemicals under the sink but decided not to. After all, he didn't want them to die, just suffer. So instead he poked about in the refrigerator some more. There wasn't much there, mainly leftover take-out, and he dumped everything he could find down the disposal. Then he took the two last bits of liquid refreshment other than water, a jug of milk and a jug of orange juice, and got out a pound of salt. Carefully pouring it into the two drinks (Duo figured he'd go about half a pound of salt each,) he then shook each of the jugs vigorously to make sure it was mixed. After putting the drinks and the salt back where he found them, he turned trying to find more stuff to mess with. Then he spotted a phone.

"Do I call the guys and end my fun, or do I mess with these jerks some more? Decisions... decisions... Ha!"

Bounding over, he saw the number for a local pizza delivery place and grinned.

"Gee... with all their food gone those morons are going to get awfully hungry. Maybe I should order something for them!"

< Ring Ring >

"Joe's Pizza Shack, home of the deep dish deluxe. How can I help you?"

"Yeah, me and a couple of guys are house-sitting, and want some pizzas delivered. Send us four larges, ok? One with pineapple, chicken and green pepper, one veggie with no sauce, one with anchovies and olives, and one taco pizza. Oh and we want double jalapinos on all of them. Got it? All of them."

"Got it. Can I have your phone number?"

Duo rattled off the home number listed by the phone. He had to assume the address in their computer was correct. Hanging up, he turned around and looked for more stuff to get into. Unfortunately, he missed the door opening until. . .

"GRAB HIM!!!!!"

Four bodies slammed into Duo, sending all of them crashing to the floor.

"Get him!"

"I got his foot!"

Spinning across the linoleum in a tangle of arms and legs, Duo slammed into a cabinet. Flailing about, he was able to get the door open and realized he was looking under the sink. Sure, it was all upside down, but it was still under the sink. Snatching at the fire extinguisher, he hit the nozzle and let it spray.

"Pin that arm!"

Soon the entire floor was a mess. A cold, foamy, slippery mess.

"DON'T TOUCH HIS HAIR!!!"

Slipping and sliding, Duo had nearly wiggled out from under the others when he was once again slammed against the floor. Slightly dazed, Duo realized he had one kidnapper sitting on each of his arms and legs. Relaxing, he decided he'd had enough fun in the kitchen for now. Besides, linoleum was hard!

'Tom' looked at the clock. "Hey isn't it time to call his friends again"

"Yeah, hold him down. I'll call them"

'Francis' got up from his spot across Duo's legs, and walked over to the phone. Just as the other end picked up, 'Dick' spotted the empty carton of ice cream sitting on the edge of the counter.

"YOU BRAT!!!! YOU ATE All OF MY STARBUCKS JAVA CHIP ICE CREAM!!!!! THAT CARTON WAS PRACTICALLY FULL!!!!!"

'Francis' thought he heard a gasp of fear over the line but ignored it. "Well what is your decision?"

The cold, nasally voice from before answered. "You can keep him." click 

'Francis' stood there for a few moments staring dumbly at the receiver and then turned to his cohorts "They... they said we could keep him!"

Back at the Gundam Pilot's safe house:

Heero, Trowa and Quatre were gathered around a speakerphone. Quatre looked worried, Trowa looked slightly ill, and Heero was completely expressionless.

"Heero, Wufei's going to be extremely upset that you're letting the kidnappers keep Duo. I know you're always pulling pranks on each other, but this time you've gone to far!" Quatre looked worried.

"Wufei will understand when I explain the situation." Heero replied coldly

"A whole carton of Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream." Trowa said in disbelief, looking decidedly green. "A whole carton..."

In a wrecked kitchen in a different town, four voices (three kidnappers plus Duo) were shocked.

"He said what?!?!"

'Francis' stared at the phone he still held in his hand. "He said we could keep him, and then he hung up."

In his mind, Duo had no doubt that the kidnapper had talked to Heero. Quatre would never be that rude, Trowa wouldn't say something like that and upset Quatre, and Wufei would want him home in time for their date tonight. That left Heero. "That SOB! That ungrateful, stuck up, stick in the mud! Well, I'VE got a stick too, and I'll shove it right up his mumph!!!

Grabbing at the raving boy, the other three kidnappers tried to restrain him again. ('Francis' was still staring at the phone in utter confusion.) Distracted by his anger, Duo wasn't able to get away as the older men hauled him off the floor and back to his make shift prison. (This time they made sure the tennis racket was gone first!)

But Duo wasn't going to let them off that easily. After dumping him onto the floor of his prison, the kidnappers turned to leave. Big mistake. The second their backs were turned Duo was on his feet, mad as hell and needing something to take it out on. He grabbed a large odd looking turtle plushy and whacked 'Francis'(who happened to be nearest) with it...

'Francis' was extremely stunned by this, both the act, and by the force Duo threw it with. The shocked man stumbled to his knees and Duo just kept whacking him.

"WHY THAT whack NO GOOD whack, IDIOTIC, whack GRANITE FACED whack YUY!!!!!! WHO DOES whack HE THINK whack HE IS whack JUST LETTING whack YOU MORONIC CREEPS whack KEEP ME!!! whack 

The other kidnappers turned and just gawked for a moment, shocked at the display. Then 'Harry', pissed off about all his hair being burned away, grabbed a yellow dragon with a flaming tail, and tried to rush Duo. The two simply began to pound away at each other.

"WHY YOU whack LITTLE BRAT whack LOOK AT whack WHAT YOU whack DID TO whack MY HAIR!!!whack

"YOU whack DESERVED IT whack JERKFACE whack YOU SHOULDN'T whack HAVE TOUCHED whack MY BRAID!!! whack

Then to Duo's dismay the turtle plushy he was using tore apart with one final whack on 'Harrys' head, sending polyester fiberfill everywhere. Duo ducked under a wild swing, grabbed yet another plushy, and turned to defend himself. Only then did he notice the other kidnappers had each acquired a plushy of their own and were looking extremely irritated.

whack WHACK whack WHACK WHACK whack WHACK whack whack WHACK whack whack WHACK whack whack whack WHACK

Finally the last plushy was nothing but torn cloth, and stuffing covering the room like a layer of snow. Duo stood facing his kidnappers holding the tattered remains of a mutant cat plushy. His braid was partially undone, and he was breathing heavily. The four kidnappers stood with their backs to the door as if daring Duo to try something else. (Though 'Francis' and 'Dick' didn't look as if they could do anything to Duo. 'Francis' was holding his head as if he was afraid it would explode, and 'Dick' kept breaking into sneezing fits.) Without saying a word the kidnappers slowly backed out of the room, carefully keeping their eyes on Duo.

They all breathed a sigh of relief as the door shut and the locked snapped tight. Collapsing onto chairs or the sofa, all four seemed to sag a bit. This day was NOT turning out like they had planned.

"OK, we DO NOT open that door again until it's time to take him home! Agreed?"

Three heads nodded slightly in agreement.

Next, they heard a cabinet open, followed by what can only be described as a 'schlorp' and a 'ploop'.

"AHHH!!!!! I'm going to KILL him!!!!"

'Francis' stormed out of the kitchen covered in gloop. The sticky mass clung to his hair and oozed around his ears, sliding past his shoulders and down his neck into his shirt. His eyes promised pain to anyone who laughed. "Look at what he did! And... and... and on top of that, he dumped all the aspirin down the drain! That little shit is DEAD!"

'Tom' grabbed hold of the irate man's arm, "Wait! Wait. Why don't you go clean up? Take a shower and calm down, ok? Then we'll figure out what to do with him."

Mumbling to himself exactly what he'd like to do to Duo, (half of which is physically impossible, the other half illegal in forty-eight states,) 'Francis' stomped off to shower.

Trying to regain a sense of control and calm, the other three figured the worst was behind them.

DING DONG 

Meanwhile, Duo was back in the room watching fluff settle. Glancing at his watch, he relaxed. There was plenty of time to play before his date.

Looking around the room for more ways to cause trouble, he caught site of himself in the mirror. What a site! His hair was a disheveled mess with little white bits of fluff stuck throughout it. Everyone has a touch of vanity, and for Duo it was his hair. There was no way he would be caught dead with his hair such a mess! Finding a tiny pink brush on a nightstand, he set to work fixing his hair.

On the stand next to the brush was a music player. Never one to live in silence when there could be noise; he started looking for a disk to put on. There might have been others buried somewhere under the mounds of toy debris, but all Duo could find was "K-Tel Presents: Super Dance Hits of the Twentieth Century!!!" Even though he didn't usually go for that classical stuff, Duo put it on anyway.

click   
...Disco Inferno!...   
No! click   
...She works hard for the money!...   
Nuh Uh click   
...Cause it's a Thriller!...   
eh...No click   
...I'm a private dancer...   
Naw... click   
She told me to Walk This Way!   
Hell No! click   
I know that my heart willlll go on...   
...click   
Livin' La Vida Loca!   
eh? whirrr   
She's into superstitions; black cats and voodoo dolls...

"Cool!"

Whipping his newly done braid behind him, Duo started to dance. Soon he had the brush up and was lip-synching into it, all the while wiggling his hips in time to the music. That's when the doorbell rang.

DING DONG

In the living room, three heads swiveled to stare at the door. Peeking around the curtain, looked outside. "Uh, guys? Did either of you order a pizza?"

"...No..."

"Me either."

"Just get the pizza's and get rid of 'em!"

Opening the door, 'Dick' grinned at the poor, pathetic young woman forced to wear a stupid uniform that never fit right with a matching hat that always messed up her hair for long hours while lugging around smelly pizzas for ungrateful customers in a car that will now reek of stale pizza till is dies a miserable death.

"So, how much do I owe you?"

A quick glance at the boxes in her 'stay hot bag', "That'll be $44.63 sir."

Ducking inside, he quickly gathered some money. "Here's $45 dollars. You can keep the change." Taking the pizzas, he closed the door and never saw the poor unappreciated woman get back in her car and trench the lawn as she sped down the road to her next delivery address.

"Hey! I don't know about you guys, but I'm starved!"

After sticking his head into the bathroom and yelling "Pizza's here!", 'Dick' was walking down the hall when he heard Duo buzzing over the houses intercom system.

"Dude! Come on; share the pizza, man! I'm hungry in here!"

Yelling back over the intercom, the kidnapper said "Tough! You're not getting anything. Now keep quiet!"

Duo was quite unhappy about that. After all, he'd ordered those pizza's, they were HIS! Looking around the room, he got an idea...

In the living room, 'Francis' joined the others to eat. Just as they opened the first box, rumbling music started to roar through the house.

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

Each drumbeat rattled their teeth, each bass note echoed in their chest.

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

Scrambling to figure out where the incredible loud music was coming from. Finally, one of them figured it out. "It's that kid! He tapped into the house's intercom system! I can't turn it off or adjust the volume!"

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

"WHAT???"

"IT'S THE INTERCOM SYSTEM!!!"

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

"WHAT???"

"INTERCOM SYSTEM!!!"

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

"WHAT???"

"NEVER MIND!!!"

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

Until they could figure a way to override Duo's hot wiring, the men had no choice but listen to a perpetual loop of Livin' La Vida Loca loud enough to knock pictures off the walls.

In near unison, the kidnappers huddled in the living room. Each time the chorus blared, they cringed, over and over again. Finally, they started adjusting to the loud assault and reached for the pizza.

One by one they bit into the cheese-covered pies.

And one by one they ran screaming into the kitchen.

Grabbing for something to drink, 'Harry' and 'Tom' each snagged the milk and OJ. They then proceeded to fling the salty sludge into the sink. After trying to rinse out their mouths from the kitchen faucet, all four sunk to the floor. Those parts of their mouths that weren't burnt away from the peppers were now covered in anchovy oil.

'Harry' looked at his fellow kidnappers and cried "I can't take it anymore!!!! That kid is demon spawn, and he'll probably kill us if we try to keep him and longer. I say we give him back."

'Dick' and 'Francis' quickly agreed, but 'Tom' decided to play the devil's advocate and protest'

"What!!!! Are you nuts? That would be giving up a fortune!! You know we can't afford that!"

"We also can't afford to keep that kid" 'Harry' stated.

"At the rate he's going we'll be spending that fortune on medical bills and therapy" "Dick continued.

"I agreed, the kid goes back. NOW. We out vote you so deal with it." Francis said, and with that got up and head to the phone.

ring ring 

"Hello, we've decided to give your friend back. Where do you want us to drop him off?"

"At this point, you'd have pay us to take him back"

"Hold on" "Francis turned to the others "They say we have to pay them to take him back"

"That's fine"

"We'll rob a bank on the way there"

'Tom' tried to respond, but was quieted by the other two kidnappers

"Okay, we'll pay you, where do you want us to drop him off?"

"Uhh, the park across from the all-night grocery store."

"Fine, give use two hours to get the money."click 

'Tom' finally broke free from the two holding him back

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO PAY TO GIVE HIM BACK!!!!!!!"

"Deal with it. Let's go get him"

Three determined men, and one grumbling, disgruntled man, stalked to Duo's fluff-filled prison. Upon reaching their destination, they braced themselves, for anything that might come out of the door. Carefully they opened the door and were treated to a wondrous site of Duo dancing.

'Tom' 'Dick' and 'Harry' rushed forward and grabbed the gyrating youth, while 'Francis' hunted for the source of the annoying music. Finding the music player, he ejected the disk. He turned and found that his cohorts had subdued their captive.

'Tom' had pinned the boy's arms, and had managed to grab that obnoxious braid. 'Dick' and 'Harry' were standing to the side cautiously watching the squirming boy for any escape attempts. 'Harry' was warning 'Tom' against pulling the braid too hard.

"Calm down you brat!!!" 'Tom' growled, "We're taking you back to your friends."

The boy seemed to calm down, and he looked at 'Francis' with wide eyes, "Already?"

'Francis' was slightly surprised by this response, but didn't think much about it. "Yes, we're taking you back to your friends, and you can take this damn disk with you and annoy them with it" Shoving the disk down Duo's shirt. "Ok, let's go"

With 'Tom' keeping a firm grip on Duo's arms the made their way through the halls to the garage. Duo went easily, but he mind was racing. He wasn't quite done playing with these morons yet! And besides, he had to get 'Tom' back for calling him a brat and touching his hair.

When they entered the garage his eyes lit up as he spied the makeshift artist studio taking up 1/4 of the space. There were so many squirt tubes, little metal cans, spray paints and even tupperware buckets full of all sorts of colors! A broad grin spread across his face and before any of his kidnapers noticed he went completely limp, surprising 'Tom' enough to break his hold and dashed over to the art supplies.

The kidnappers started after him but stopped and dove for cover as he began flinging the little metals cans at them. Once they were suitably distract, Duo started popping the tops off the squirt paint tubes and throwing them out as well. Now when the kidnappers were running to avoid the cans they always seemed to have a tube land under their feet, sending sprays of color over the floor and themselves.

If a kidnapper got too close Duo was ready with a can of spray paint. They were now wearing clothes decorated a motley array of colors, and had decided to stay far away until Duo ran out of ammo. Deciding that he hadn't made a big enough mess yet Duo pulled the lids off the tupperware buckets and sent them flying. Most of the paint landed over the floor and the van but then Duo pulled the lid off the last bucket and was nearly blinded by the day glo neon pink color inside. He looked up and saw the braid pulling 'Tom' moving to hide behind the van.

He picked up the bucket, spun around to pick up momentum, and threw with deadly accuracy. The bucket sailed over the van with about half the paint falling out to give it a nice pink skunk streak, then landed neatly on 'Tom's head, covering him in hot pink paint.

Smirking with victory Duo turned one last time to see what other paint was there and then saw a blue bike chain pass before his eyes, right before his arms were pinned and he was wrestled to the ground by 'Dick'. Although he was squirming as much as he could, 'Dick' managed to wrap the chain around him twice and lock it. 'Francis' then came over with two more bike chains and they tied together his hands and legs. 'Harry' was trying to help 'Tom' get some of the paint off, but whatever it was if was fast drying, and looked like they would now need turpentine to remove it.

Duo was now cursing enough to peel the paint off, but 'Frances' stopped him by gagging with a small yellow rodent looking plushy with red cheeks and black stripes. Too bad it wouldn't help, since it was a "talking" plushy and squeaked when squeezed.

pikapikapikapikapiakpiakpikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikpakapikapikapika

"Now do you understand why we have to give him back?" 'Francis' asked the miserable looking 'Tom'

"Yes, and let's hurry before he gets loose again!"

So, pantyhose and ski masks in hand, the weary kidnappers headed off to find the nearest bank with Duo squirming on the floor of their van.

pikapikapikapikapiakpiakpikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikpakapikapikapika

Back at the Gundam boy's safe house, Wufei finally got home. After a long day of blowing up OZ bases, all he wanted to do was relax and let Duo take his mind off the war.

Having noticed Deathscythe still in the hanger but Duo not in their room or watching TV, Wufei turned into the kitchen just in time to hear Heero mutter "I still can't believe they're paying to get rid of him." It looked like the other three pilots were about to go somewhere, and Duo was no where in site.

"Get rid of who Heero? And where's Duo?"

It seemed a simple enough question, but Wufei was surprised at the reactions he got. Spinning around, Quatre gasped, Trowa's eye widened, and Heero... blushed???

"Wufei! We... we didn't think you'd be back so soon!"

Crossing his arms and ignoring Quatre's exclamation, he asked Heero again. "Where's Duo?"

Meanwhile...

Pikapikapikapikapiakpiakpikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikpakapika

'Tom' clutched the steering wheel in time to each squeak from the plushy from hell. "What's taking them so long?"

"They just went in! Give 'em a minute, ok?"

"I just want to get rid of him! Never should have got out 'a bed this morning."

"Yeah, I hear ya! They should be out any minute now, get ready to floor it and ...hey, are you glowing in the dark?..."

"Shut UP!"

pikapikapikapikapiakpiakpikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikpakapika

A little while later, in the park across from the all-night grocery store...

"So you see Wufei, that's what happened. Trowa and I didn't mean to leave him behind in the van, but I'm sure he's fine, and I'm really SO sorry, but he'll be back soon right? Everything will be ok."

The Chinese pilot eyed his babbling friend. "I still can't believe you let him go to Starbucks after what happened last time." Then he turned to Heero. "As for you! Where do you get off..."

Cutting Wufei's tirade, Quatre pointed to something in the distance. "Here they come! That's the van from this afternoon!"

Turning, the boys watched as a psychedelic neon splotched van with a pink skunk stripe drove down the street.

"I thought you said the van was black."

Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and shrugged. "It was."

Heero squinted against the glare from the window glass. "Why is the driver glowing?"

At the same time, inside the psychedelic neon splotched van with a pink skunk stripe...

Pikapikapikapikapiakpiakpikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikapikpakapikapika

'Harry' scanned the park up ahead. "There they are! I recognize the Winner kid, and that bang!"

"Do you have the money ready? Open the door and toss them out!"

Hearing this, Duo got frantic. He did NOT want to be thrown from a moving vehicle! That hurt! His hands were just about free when the side of the van opened.

Quatre turned to Trowa. "It's not slowing down!"

Racing to the edge of the road, Wufei saw the van door open. He saw four men wearing ski masks and women's underwear on their heads in the van (one WAS glowing!), and then he saw Duo, bound in chains, flying through the air right at him.

Several things happened at once. Wufei and Quatre rushed to catch the flailing Duo and crashed into each other. Trowa tried to steady Quatre, and Heero, who was focusing on Duo, failed to notice the sack of money that had been tossed out until it hit him in the face, knocking him off-balance enough to send him to the ground. Duo landed on Wufei and Quatre, knocking them back onto Trowa, sending the entire lot tumbling on top of Heero.

Duo finally managed to spit out the plushy and yelled at the rapidly receding psychedelic van

"GET BACK HERE!!! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!!!!!!"

And in response the oddly colored van sped up as it turned around a corner.

Carefully, the boys pulled themselves up. Heero picked up the bag of money and begin walking to their Jeep. As Wufei and Quatre started working to get the bike chains off Duo, he saw the angry look his boyfriend was giving him and thought Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now!

"Uhh, what's wrong Wufei? I mean it's not too late to go out, is it? I'd really hate to miss out on our date. How did your mission go?"

"What the hell were you thinking, letting yourself get kidnapped? You're a fully trained Gundam pilot! I know you could have gotten away easily."

Duo squirmed as they got the last of the chains off from around is legs, "Well yeah, but they weren't going after ME, they were going after Quatre and his family. They actually thought I was one of Quatre's sisters. What if they HAD gotten one of them? I just wanted to teach them a lesson so they'll never try kidnapping some-one again."

He breathed an inward sigh of relief as Wufei's angry look faded and was replaced with a looked of mild exasperation and grudgingly given respect. They got up and joined Heero and Trowa in the Jeep. Then Duo noticed Quatre giving him an odd appraising look.

"Quatre, why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, uhm, it's just... I've just noticed that you do look like my sister Arianna. Her hair is a shade lighter than yours is, but you definitely look like her. I don't know why I haven't noticed before."

Duo could only gape at the blonde boy as snickers came from the front of the Jeep. Wufei fought to keep a straight face, but an amused smirk managed to slip out, which quickly disappeared as Duo turned to him to him with a scowl.

"What do you think is so funny? And what was with that money bag, anyway?"

Trowa glanced back and calmly mentioned "Heero made the kidnappers pay us to take you back."

"HEERO DID WHAT?????? HEERO!!!!!!!!"

Wufei opened his mouth to sooth his lover's ruffled feathers but Quatre beat him to it by distracting Duo with a question that had been bugging him.

"Duo, what did you do that made the kidnappers so eager to give you back?"

"Well first off those jokers can't tie a decent know to save their lives. They tried tying me up six times, and each time it was pathetically easy to get loose. . ."

Soon the Jeep as fill with laughter as the boys went into hysterics over Duo's antics, though as they got nearer to the safe house his litany of events became more and punctuated by huge wide mouth yawns. But the time they got home Duo was half asleep and snuggling against Wufei.

Once inside, Duo immediately stretched out on the couch with his head in Wufei's lap. Quatre went to get the first aid kit to take care of the few scrapes and bruises his friend had gotten tussling with his kidnappers. Duo looked up with sleepy eyes at his dark-eyed lover.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, not mad, just annoyed. Didn't you even think how worried we'd be? Quatre was frantic about you. And I. . ."

Wufei, cutting himself off before he said anything too embarrassing or went off on a rant, looked down and saw that Duo had fallen asleep. Just then Quatre returned with the kit.

"Never mind Quatre." Wufei said with a sigh. "It looks like the sugar crash has finally caught up with him. Just help me put him to bed."

Together they hauled the limp, braided pilot to the room he shared with Wufei. Softly they heard him singing "Up side inside out, she's livin la vida loca."

Quatre heard Wufei murmur, "I don't want to know. I do not even want to know." Sitting Duo on the bed, they stripped him down to his t-shirt and boxers, tossing the odd disk they found stuffed into his shirt onto the desk. Once Duo was tucked under the blankets Quatre left the room, leaving Wufei sitting on the bed looking at the braided boy. For a few minutes he just sat there listening to his lover's soft breathing, then brushed Duo bangs out of his face and left.

Finding the other pilots in the kitchen, Wufei crossed his arms and glared at Heero

"Heero, we need to talk."

Heero took one look at Wufei's expression and said, "I have to go work on Wing."

"Heero!"

Epilogue

Dawn was just beginning to break when Heero woke up. It had been a month since Duo's kidnapping and the other pilot had yet to do anything in retaliation for his 'You can keep him.' comment. By his calculations, today would be the day. He didn't know how and he didn't know exactly when, but sometime today he would be 'pranked'.

As he walked into the kitchen for breakfast, (after checking the toothpaste for explosives and shampoo for hair dye in the bathroom,) Heero only saw Quatre and Trowa at the table.

"Good morning Heero! Did you sleep well last night?"

Giving Quatre a nod, Heero carefully opened the refrigerator, keeping well behind the door incase anything was set to launch at him from inside. When nothing was triggered, he grabbed the milk and sat down to eat. (They had a long-standing agreement not to tamper with food because getting sick would interfere with a mission.)

Quatre passed the sugar and mentioned Wufei and Duo had left the night before. They weren't due back till tomorrow. Finishing breakfast, Heero went out to work on Wing.

"Something's wrong. This is too easy... I know something's going to happen today, but what?"

Mumbling to himself, Heero hit the overhead lights and stopped dead in his tracks. Wing stood just where he'd left it, except now it was covered with streamers. Thousands and thousands of neon pink ribbons clung to his Gundam's hull, making the machine look... furry. Further investigation revealed that each and every streamer had been cemented in place and simple pulling would not remove them.

Grabbing a sandblaster, the now quite irate pilot got to work removing those horrid pink things. Hour after hour, keeping at it through lunch and well into the afternoon, Heero managed to scrape off all traces of cemented ribbon.

Weary, sweaty and pissed, he climbed into Wing's cockpit and saw a note waiting for him. It was written in Wufei's handwriting.

Heero

By now you have been able to remove the streamers from your Gundam. Before you blame Duo for this prank, you should know that I am the one who placed them there. This has been in retaliation for the date that was ruined when Duo was kidnapped. It could have been something more permanent, but I took pity on you after that incident with the pink flamingo lawn ornaments. In the future, I would appreciate it if your pranks did not interfere with previous commitments.

Wufei

Heero just sighed. It made sense, Wufei's justice. An eye for an eye, an inconvenience for an inconvenience... (And he still wanted to know just where Duo'd managed to find 385 pink flamingo lawn ornaments, let alone fit them all into his room!)

Shaking his head, Heero punched up the diagnostic program on his system computer, only to hear the hydraulic bolts snapping into place. Jerking up, he hit the emergency release lever, but nothing happened. He was locked inside of Wing! Searching his system for an explanation, a video of Duo popped onto his screen.m

"Hey Heero! Gotcha! You are now stuck inside there, and I give you 45 minutes to undo my rewiring to get out. Maybe 30 minutes if you try real hard! But I wouldn't want ya to be bored, so here's a little mood music while you work! See ya!"

BOOM LIVIN' BOOM LA VIDA BOOM LOCA! BOOM

"DUO! OMAE WO KOROSO!!!!!!!

Authors Notes

Hello, Lady Douji here, me and Madame Blue had waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much fun writing this fic, and there were a couple things we wanted to share now that's it done.

1. The was an extensive amount of research that went into this fic. Madame Blue went out of her way and braved the reaches of Starbucks to determine which highly caffinated beverage would give Duo the caffiene high he was on, as well as determining exactly what goes into plush toys. While I study the ingredients and flavors of Starbuck's ice cream, to see which would mantain Duo's high. Unfortunaly we both lost our souls to Starbucks during this research.

2. I want to go on record as saying I did not mean to name the kidnapper who got his hair burned off Harry. We started out just refering to them as K#1 K#2 K#3 and K#4, but found that too confusing went back and named them, after that segment was written.

3. Madame Blue wisshes to state that not all self inserts are bad, as noted by her insert as the poor pizza delivery woman.

4. All plushies mentioned in this fic were pokemon. No pokemon were harmed in the creation of the fic, only their plushy stunt doubles.

5. The entire 25 subplot was the result of a sudden inexplicable desire I had to see Wufei tuck Duo in to bed(but isn't it such a lovely image)


End file.
